Review: And If I Fall by Robin Reardon

Title: And If I Fall

Author: Robin Reardon

Length: 474 Pages

Category: Suspense/Thriller

At a Glance: Robin Reardon has a way of writing that draws the reader into an immediate and powerful sensation of being inside the characters she writes, even those who aren’t the main characters. This was never more the case than in And If I Fall.

Reviewed By: Taz

Blurb: Jude Connor’s rural Idaho hometown is a place of strong values and high expectations. For those who fit into the local church’s narrow confines, there’s support and fellowship. For those who don’t, there’s ostracism in this life and damnation in the next.

Jude wants desperately to be saved–to believe with the fervor of the charismatic Reverend Amos King, whose sermons are filled with brimstone and righteousness. But every time Jude thinks he’s found the right path, there’s a fork in the road, and Truth seems to be in a different direction.

As much as Jude craves the certainty the church offers, he finds himself at odds with it. Without intentionally rebelling, he befriends Pearl Thornton, considered an unrepentant heathen; he craves the support of Gregory Hart, whose church standing is questionable; and the feelings he has for his friend Tim Olsen make him fear for his own soul. But then Reverend King offers Jude sanctuary, special guidance, and a path into the Light.

Will Reverend King be able to help Jude preserve his place in heaven? Or will the reverend’s own demons cause hell to swallow them both? The answer lies in Jude’s willingness to follow his own path–even if it leads him far from everything he’s known.

[NOTE: This book was previously published as The Revelations of Jude Connor.]

Review: I have read a few books by Robin Reardon and have enjoyed them all. She has a way of writing that draws the reader into an immediate and powerful sensation of being inside the characters she writes, even those who aren’t the main characters. This was never more the case than in And If I Fall.

Ms. Reardon has made every effort to ensure readers understand that this is a re-issue of a previously published book through Kensington Books. The prior title was called The Revelations of Jude Connor. In this book we meet Jude, at the tender age of eleven. He runs away from home and we are thrust into his battle with trying to figure out where he belongs. Living in a strict community where the rules of how to live and worship will make the difference between gaining entrance to Heaven or suffering the condemnation of eternal suffering in Hell, Jude faced, perhaps, one of the greatest struggles a young man can face. He is gay and knows God doesn’t approve.

Through his journey, Jude encounters several people, all of whom have a profound impact on his life and his experiences. While there are too many to review here, Reardon does a wonderful job of illustrating the struggle as Jude tries to reconcile his inner messages about who he is (and who others are…or who he thinks they should be) versus the reality of how he is. At the heart of all this struggle are several deep questions:

Can I accept others for who they are?
Can I accept myself for who I am?
Will God love me, no matter who I am?

The answer reveals itself slowly as the story unfolds.

The one caution I would provide to readers who want to experience this book is that it is a commitment to read. Ms. Reardon has taken great pains to ensure that each scene serves a purpose. There is no room for skimming. To truly understand Jude’s journey, one must go on it with him, through each thought, observation, and fear. Only then can you emerge triumphant at the end.

At the heart of this story is the strict religious beliefs of the community where Jude lives. Within this environment, there is a very narrow path leading to God’s grace in Heaven, with many, many off-roads of temptation which could lead you straight to the gates of Hell. Anyone not considered part of the Church (Saints) are pagans. They are going to Hell. Anyone who is gay is going to Hell. Anyone who turns away from the church, breaks its rules, or basically strays in any way whatsoever risks the burning of their soul for all eternity. Salvation comes from living God’s truth, and that truth comes in the form of what the Church says.

For those readers who live in a community like this, And If I Fall will be an extremely personal journey. For others, it is an honest and beautiful/disturbing look into what life is like for people who have strict religious beliefs and practices.

The first half of the book took me a while to get through. Each chapter left me thinking and I had to put the book down and process what was happening. But once I hit the midpoint, the story kind of gelled and I was able to move at a faster pace. There are many different storylines, and they don’t really converge except for through Jude’s eyes. It is only when some shocking truths are revealed that the many storylines begin to weave together, and the overarching message begins to shine through.

After concluding the book, I reached out to Ms. Reardon to ask her a question. I’ve noticed she’s written a few books which examine the impact of strict religious beliefs on the development of gay individuals (coming of age) and the ultimate acceptance or sad rejection of that natural aspect of being human. Sexuality and sexual identity are at war in some of her books, when stringent religious rules come into play, and Ms. Reardon is one of the most talented writers I’ve read to share this experience with readers.

Here is what she responded when I asked, “What is your personal relationship with this type of religious belief and practice as it pertains to your writing?”

“Too many people follow religion as though the tactics (thou shalt, thou shalt not) are sacred. Scripture quotes Jesus as saying (paraphrasing, here): “Whenever love and law conflict, love wins. Period.” If God is love, then that is what is sacred. Law must lose in any conflict, and law itself is not sacred.”