Title: My Cat’s Guide to Online Dating
Author: Christian Baines
Publisher: Queer Mojo
Length: 296 Pages
Category: Dark Humor, Spec Fic
Rating: 5 Stars
At a Glance: This book reads like part fever dream, part hallucinatory nightmare, part erotic wish fulfillment, all topped with some allegory and a healthy dash of horror. I read the final words on the page, closed my iPad, and simply said “Wow” to the empty room.
Reviewed By: Lisa
Blurb: A hook-up gone bad can be purrder.
Fresh from a breakup, deeply closeted freshman Zach jumps at the chance to housesit his family home and enjoy a long, horny summer free of both his ex and his religious parents. But when an old enemy turned hot hookup falls to his death, Zach turns to the only true friend he’s ever known—his cat, Grace Jones.
With the dead man’s phone and a knack for texting, she promises Zach help, for a price that will satisfy both their appetites. Does it matter if Grace Jones’ powers draw on something far more ancient and sinister than a cell phone?
“Get laid, Zachary. Get laid.”
Each new hook-up brings Zach darkly humorous discoveries about life, love, sex, and his own desires. But Zach knows it’s only a matter of time before someone discovers his secret. Can he rely on his feline protector, or is he trapped in a hungry devil’s bargain?
Review: Christian Baines’ deliciously dark and morbidly captivating My Cat’s Guide to Online Dating delivers a dish that could only have been served this bold. It’s the sort of story that proves Book Hangover is a verb, as I’m now actively stuck in one. The level of schadenfreude within is both impeccable and agonizing and I must caution that if you are squeamish about gore in the slightest, you’ll want to give that all-due consideration before heading in.
Humanity. Gross, yet addictive.”
Zach had a single goal when he agreed to housesit for six weeks over the summer: get laid, and get laid often. He’s coming off a bad breakup, so what better way to help him get over it than to make his way through as many guys as possible while his religious zealot parents are out of town at a religious zealot convention for religious zealots . . . You get the point, Zach is not out to them, but that’s merely the tip of the plot iceberg. There’s so much more going on under the troubled waters Zach finds himself treading when a little unexpected revenge sex with his former high school bully morphs into debating with his cat, Grace Jones, on how best to dispose of a corpse. Trust me when I say this; Grace Jones has some ideas.
As someone who is more than familiar with a cat grudgingly tolerating my presence, I bought into Grace Jones—that floofy goddess with the sharp teeth and biting wit—not only knowing English and how to text, but how best to torture Zach and taunt him with her knowledge of precisely how to reduce, reuse, and recycle Alistair Conway. Don’t think she’s giving the info up easily, though. Zach has to trust she knows what she’s doing, including her directive that he carry out his mission to go forth and orgasm, which leads to Zach crossing paths with some interesting people. It is an understatement to say that he couldn’t have done this alone.
the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.” ~ John Donne “No Man Is an Island”
This book reads like part fever dream, part hallucinatory nightmare, part erotic wish fulfillment, all topped with some allegory and a healthy dash of horror. I loved every page of it. The resolution to Zach’s conflicts, both the internal and external, are a mix of the extraordinary and the courageous. I read the final words on the page, closed my iPad, and simply said “Wow” to the empty room.
You can buy My Cat’s Guide to Online Dating here: